the girl with the bloody nose

portland

2006-08-10T21:18:47Z

iam going apartment shoping in sept. as soon as i find one, i dont care if i have to dragg my stuff threw snow and rain, iam soo outs of hear. sleater kinney, is over. it sucks. but thats rock and roll. they were one of my main insprations to play music. i am soo happy i had the chance to see them millons of times. its too bad that its all over.

the time is near

2006-07-13T07:33:25Z

i cant wait, only a few more weeks and i am out of hear. now i just have to get an apartment. portland.

the gavity of things

2006-06-18T05:40:32Z

when somone you know dies, it make you think. all thou i hardly knew him in person, all thou we have only ment twice or soo in really life. he made me laugh. the thing that bothers me the most is that, i saw a peace o me in him. he was really funny guy. he went out a way i almost did a few year s ago. i dont know why i got to be one o the lucky one if you could call it that. he was only a year older then me. it really fucked. the more i think about the more fucke up i feel. his my space is even still running. its soo fucked.

the things that run threw yr head

2006-05-31T06:30:30Z

about a month a go i ran away to sf. i walked the steets and saw all kinds of wounderful stuff. i went up there to see the yyys. i tell people when i go there i allways run into people i knoe. i did but they never noice. i just let them walked on by. i could not say anyting. i dont knoe why i did. i dont know why i never told her when she called i saw her. she looked soo happy. happyer then what i could have ever made her. on castro, i drove by and say her with her gf. they looked soo happy. her arm around her. the looked she gave her. it just looked soo perfect. her pink flowerly butten up shirt all they way to her shoes. the way she loombed around her. one could only of hoped they too could have this one day. its the oddest thing, seeing people you know walking the steets of large citys you konw you would never expect to see them in. thats my life, thats just how it is, allways seeing people never interacting with them. its the small details, that i allways seem to rember, they allways stick with me. right now iam just foating threw life like a blurr. but these last few months i have been feeling morel like a ghost.

what to say

2006-05-27T05:39:19Z

i have not writting in here for a while. things are better then they have been. iam playing the knitting factory on l bay. i am moving out of my house in town in a couple of weeks. iam happy just becuse that means i get to save more money. ive been working on a side project by my self lalty. well it s jsut me kind of fucking around with my computer. i dont go out much any more ive been hiding in my moms house latly not wanting to leave. in a couple of months iam out of here. the closer the day get s the more neverous and excighted i get. Portland in aug. the only thing ima kind of sad about is that l will not move with d and i becuse her bf wants to stay in fresno. iam sure she will follow soon in dec. wel she hopes to. ive been truing down girls lalty that want to take me out. i feel like iam spining out of controll and the last thing i need is someone keeping me form leaving. a lot of my friend are moving this summer to portland. i realized iam in love with someone, but i let them slip threw my fingers like melted butter, fuck. any how iam glad to see tanya someone i would conciedr one of my best friend is living in portland now with her love amber. i really want to meet this girl. any how ia hope they are stil up there when i get up there. i really miss her.

my life is a party

2005-10-22T17:34:50Z

well, i have been up to nouthing but carzy fun stuff latly. even thou some people have been trying to dragg me down in to the dirt. i love my job. i love bike riding and i love planning out trips.i got a flat on l's bike soo iam going to try to fix it this week. that is if our wonderful cheeks come in. thats about the only thing that has sucked arond hear latly. i been wantting to go out of state to vist friends a lot latly. i think a trip out of hear would do me some good.

lezbianca @ 2005-09-11T12:51:00

2005-09-11T19:53:12Z

just haning in there. breathig air and braking teeth. i have gone above and beyond, finally got my benifits and talking to my x civly. welll... you knoe.

huh

2005-08-10T05:22:46Z

you knoe you have reach a sertain kind of crazy when all you do is liston to j. newson!

life is good

2005-08-01T02:47:16Z

i had a really fun weekend. i hung out with this band called swims and l and played 2 shows with them. we hooked back up with the girls from vf. it was soo much fun. partying in sac town was amazing. i cant wait to go back. latly i have been in to northen music, i love it cant get eough of it. i love you maple leefed muscians.!guss who can fially drive again? new car thats right! i can drive again.

well well

2005-07-28T09:19:37Z

i guss its time to invaid sac town. Time to get my slut on.!

no more

2005-07-27T06:03:58Z

i really have nothing about people who some weed. a few of my good friends smoke weed. its just that when it come s to being in a relatoinship with someone who is an addict, i dont beleve i should come second it there habit.
Iam tired and life is too short to be fucking around with someone who's not ther mintaly. I knoe i have my faults, but i do what i can to keep the people when iam dating happy and intested. I stopped talking to her, becuse all she wanted to do was go to her friends house and get high. She says that the only reson that she does not invight me over there is becuse she knoes i hate it. I got tired of letting her hurt my feelings. I did a test to see how long it would take for her to call me. it took 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks. she called me when i was out of town, i was just calling becuse i want to talk. Iam not callign her back. mabye ill see her when our bands play a show on the 13th. I still have not decided how nice iam going to be yet. back to sulting it up again. not like i stopped any how.

lezbianca @ 2005-08-18T01:02:00

2005-07-19T08:03:12Z

the wolf cried!
learn how to find yr way back home...
the pack is where you belong.
learn how to find yr way back home...
the pack is where you belong

get me out of here

2005-07-14T23:53:08Z

so latly i have been going sturr crazy. Dacning around with danle is the only thing that has been keeping me form going crazy. In between, putting my bed room to gather at my new apt and working at star bucks, and ht, i have been going insain.
I have been using on line sorces to look up places to play shows. i have been trying to book us a show in sf, but so far no luck o well. all i have been thinking about doing latly is writing a sceen play. i have been working on this one for a year and now i finally have set down to do the second part. iam in the process of pulling the thing all togather and getting it ready for film. just waiting for a freind to get back form la.
i have been hiding away in my room latly. not wanting to go out or anything latly. relaxing in my pool and thinking of new ways to make money.

what a night

2005-07-10T09:51:16Z

i worked till 1245 then got frusted by the people i was going to hang out with. my foot hurts soo bad i cant sleep. i never thought that puting somtnig togather as simple as a futon can be soo hazordous to yr helf. i cant sleep. i went out with a co worker today. she got really drunk and kept saying crazy stuff to me. when i told her i was hunger she was like, well you can go down on me. i laoughed. haha, she soo crazy.

this hole in my heart

2005-07-06T07:28:14Z

lalty i have been waking up in the middle of the night playing my gutar for hours and hours on end. its the only thing that has been keeping me form faling into that dark place that i sometimes go. but a part of me thinks iam losing that battle. when i feel the drop in my emotal leve starting to go, i try to keep my self busy so that i dont find my self doing dumb shit and then wornding how the fuck i ended up doing it again.
i have been feeling really lonly latly. it seem that now iam the only one of my friends that is single. yesterday night it hit me how unhappy i was with my current dating opations. i more i think about it the depressed i get about it. curzing the culbs just sucks down here, i just cant find any one that i connect with. hope has become a dirty sceart i keep.
My eyes are soo open right now. evey part of me is awake for once. Playing a show with someone who understands who i am was grate. they got me, it was soo releveing and such a beath of freash air plaing with the king cobra. All i have been thinking about lalty is music. I really want to record a full leanth by the end of the summer. iam just worried that we will not have eough money to. we have about 10 songs that are ready to be recored. 4 of them are allready recored we just need to record the other six. the only thing that sucks is who do we get to recored them? a few people have asked to recored us. the only thing that sucks is the coast.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2005-06-21T19:18:01Z

in on week the coolest thing in my music career will insew, i am soo excighted, king cobra. iam soo excighted. eveything is soo awsome right now. new job rocks. new house rocks. and dayly works outs are getting more intense. i love it. but i still have an emty spot in my heart. grr the void grows each day.

moven on out

2005-06-16T20:35:39Z

well iam moving out of mom's house really soon. iam so happy. even thou ill be over hear a lot when iam out for good. i started running again and i can all ready feel the brun in my leggs. its going to be a grate summer i hope. i love my new job. I get a lot of hours and its relly good pasted, there is not gossip and they dont care if iam a fag.... YEYE
i got green paper to put on the walls of the bacement that i will soon be calling my home. i cant wait.
i should be gettig a cheek this week for the money of my car crazh last year. then once iam all healed up form the new one, iam sure ill get aother cheek. i cant belever i got reened 2 time s in a year. it bull shit. grr. but what can you do.
gay pride is in a week or so and i relly want to go. Iam not sure if i will be able to 2 now that iam juggling 2 job and soon school. i am really a bussy body now. I miss my friends Jamie and juila. I have been thinking a lot about them latly. Exp. Becuse now L and I are playing a show with the king cobra. I really wish Jamie was here to see it, that would be grate. Iam thinking about running away to sf for a day just to see if i can catch up with her.
iam single once more but this time i really loveing it. i can talk to a new girl eveyday if i wanted to but i think ill keep it cool for a while.
I have been hanging out wiht my x way too much. Iam really starteding to hate her now that our friend john is living in la. She relly clinie and keeps calling me babe and i am like shit bitch iam not yr gf. Stop sleep touching me, you knoe when my back is turned to you when iam sleeping it mean stop tuoching me. I really want to hit her somtimes. it really sad becuse she is nice person and all just not my type.
got to go pack shit up

interesting

2005-06-10T08:26:16Z

well i started a new job, now iam a Star buck whorre and hot topic slut, whoo hoo. The amazing things have been rolling around in my head latly. helf of them i cant even bleave. A year a go if you would have told me, The King Cobra and Ira where going to play a show to gather i would have just siad, that could happen. Now that the date for the show get closer, iam kind of still in a daze, 2 weeks and Rachle and her gf. Its amzing. June 29th, i cant really beleve it.

what

2005-06-03T21:16:44Z

so iam kind of pissy today. not to be in a bitchie mood or anything but i feel like my friends are stuck in 1992. if Kathleen hannh can move on form the roit girl movement, why cant they. today l and i are playing a roit girl picknic. it makes no since to me. Hambers? what the fuck. Iam soo irrataed, i feel like there trying to shove girl back down the hole by bring it all back the a movement that was grate and helped women move up in music. But why put us back in the past? Why not move forword, i have been fighting with my self all week over this.
Tomarrow i go watch sk with my good friend j. Were goign to drive up there in his geep and hang out. i might get a new tatto when up there depending on if i have eough cash... that mean if i dotn go crazy and drink away my money like i have been doing latly.
there is soo much excighting stuff going on in my life right now. helf of it i cant even really beleave.My life seems like some odd dream and i really dont want to wake up from it. Iam still single... Iam total fine with it, Althou i find my self daydream about my sceart crush that i have had on this girl for a long time. I ll never tell her thou.
I started a secornd job. it rocks. finlaly biniefits. Ira is on the up and up and things look really good right now. All i have been wanting to do is play music laty and ride my bike. For the frist time in a long time i feel centerd.
I miss my friends that moveed to washington. Moving out of hear seems like pipe dream now that i might starte going back to school to be a serical asstaent. But once iam done with school iam so out of here. L and i are thing PORTLAND. But thats not for a while. like 14months.
currtently i have been working my ass off on editing a screen play that j and i are going to make in to a movie this summer. All i have to is finger out who is going to do what and how where going to flim it. I cant tell any one really what it about , just knoe that is going to be good. that is once i iorn out a few things. But that should not take more then 2 weeks or so.

new songs

2005-05-12T18:57:56Z

latly i have been trapped in my house, all there is to do is wirte music and clean the shit out of my room. Tanya is coming down on the 25 or the 26th. if she comes down on the 25 my room has to be fucking spotless. I dont want her to knoe how mess i still am. o well. Mostliky thou we will spend the night at l and c. not sure yet. iam just waiting for t to call me back.
so since my lastest car accident song have been pooring out of my head and in t my lap so far i have 3 new one that are ready to play, just as long as i can get a pratce in. before the 21, the john waters house party. then the next show after that is the 24th with needy evey and tba, the bands from la are copouts soo far two have canled due to poor plannig of the booking agent.

shit house

2005-04-08T05:57:44Z

i dont knoe why i do the thing i do. when things are going good i have to fuck them up. i relly feel like shit today. i have that singking feeling in my chest, you know the one you get when you have been up to no good. a there thse girl that like me... i have been hanging out with airon and messiing around with her. i have not really been wanting to do that. she drivins me around in her car cookes for me and stuff like that. but a part of me really hate her for all the things that she does for me. she cool but there a part of me that is not atried to her. i feel really like iam being malested with she touches me even thnou she is a nice girl and awsome. but there a part of me that just is not sure if i like her yet. I have been nothhing but a bitches girl un grate ful person. i feel really shit. my x gf called me and confused her love to me. hear is wher it get really messy. i feel really shit becuse i had a conversation only a day before she called with a that there was no way anything would happen beweetn my x and i. then my x calles confessing her love to me and aking me to move in with her. iam such in the shit house right now... why the fuck do i getmy self in to these messes. my x is a little crazy she tireed to kill her self yesterday before i talked to her. she siad she wanted to talk to me one last time incase any thing happend to her. becuse she felt really guily about all the fucked up shit that she has done to me. its about time. but any how i realy fucking messed up right now. all these emotoins. iam soo confused . i dont know waht to do. i really just want to cawrl in a hole and hit rigth now. but i think ill distarctred my self iwth some music. i realy need to get out of this town. its too small and its tooeasy for people to get to me.
i really dont know what to do
iam soooo dumb dumb dumb

lezbianca @ 2005-03-18T22:46:00

2005-03-19T06:47:35Z

PROTLAND? Iam thinking about running away to portland now. D and s say it much better.

i relly hate the phone

2005-03-17T21:48:34Z

So iam in the middle of setting up band partace and my friend Erine is on her way over to lourns when the phone rings. i relly should of of picked it up but i did.
i knew who it was. but still i picked up the phone. hI she siad. i walked in to the bath room so my friend could not see me get all up set. i took a set inside the bath tub and locked the bath room door. she called me becuse she had some free time and she was at work. So her fucking gf would not be there to fucking cuss me out.
She siad B i miss you soo much. you have no ieda. I have been soo busy lasty i have been meanig to call you, i knoe i relly fucked things up i just want to make sure you are ok. i hate with x call me like that.i could tell it in her voice that she still loves me and she got all up set when i told her what i have been up too lalty. but tired to cover it up.She asked if i was seeing any one ad i told her it was none of her busniness. She sounded more sorry and pitful then i thought she would sound sice i did not give her a driect awseome.
She kept asking me if i was ok and if things where good with me. X's dont ask those kind of question if they dont still have feelings for you. I relly hate it. SHe knoes that danle and i are thinking about moving to sf possalbe in jan. But she had to bring up the fact that she was going to move up there too around the same time. and that she was not bring her gf. Iam like what the fuck, are you trying to give me some dame invation to try to get back with you when i move to sf. what kind of fucked up shit is that. She hurt me relly bad, now she wants me in her life, but she too scared to tell her gf, that she wants to hang out with me.
why? i cryed of about 2 mintes. The pulled my self to gather and walked out in to the living room. where erin and lourn where. i relly wanted to stick a gun in my mouth at that point. i re stage my guitar and then acting like nothign had happend, but on the inside i was a mess and i still am one.
then i closed my eyes and pic my self runing in the woods, in the dark being chased by wolfves. That how love is,. It lights yr heart on fire and it burns till it bruns out. What suck is that my flame has gone out, But yesterday a smell part was sparked up again, till i stompped it out.
i spent the night at my friend Erin house and i think iam creeped out by her now. She told me a whole lot of thing s i did not relly want to knoe about her. The she told me she slept with 2 of my friends and that one of them was her 18th brithday fuck! i have never slepted closer to a wall in my life. Erin was cool in the beging but now iam kind of scared to be her friend. AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

lezbianca @ 2005-03-15T22:07:00

2005-03-16T06:09:02Z

well shit on me... no fun this week. the show i wanted to see the most got canlced and works shitting on me for wanting to have fun. I dont really care but yah, at lest all my friends are happy and that's what inportant right?

cleaning

2005-03-14T23:47:54Z

I have been cleaing a lot lalty. i dont do it that offten becuse i feel like when i clean, it makes me think. i sifted therew old phopto grahs and old cloths. i as ran threw all these memoires came back. I found a tie that i used to wear when i would to out with jamie and juila. To the holiday inn for ladies night. good shit. i really miss those girls a lot. i just wish i would stop being lazy and drop them a line.
Then i found old hop of other friends i used to hang out with and it made me a little sad. Becuse i no longer talk to these people. we just all seemed to drift apart. tasha, i really miss that girl, but like evey girl that has a gf they dont have time for there friends.Pericella, all gone now.
I have not cryed in a while. But these days its all that i really feel like doing. iam in bind and iam really confused. my emotions are all messed up. The ups and the downs, all these fucked up things i have been thinking about latly. I talked to my x tanya for a long time the other day. I broke down, there just somtnig about her that can get me to tell her anything. I dotn like to cry, i really dont like to tell people much about why iam the way iam. but she some how can get in, where others have misroably failed. She see's a part of me that no one else has been able to see.
I have not been at peace latly with my self. A big part of me is spinning around and round and i cant stop. where once i have been able to stop. I told her how i recieved a phone call fom my dad with news thgat shook my world, up side down. wrosed fears where rumpled threw me once more. I tought i was over everthing that he had done to me. But with that phone call eveyitng was broght back.
I turned back into that girl that saw the man she most looked up to, kill someone in frount of her. He was in jail, he says hes dying, he aliszed and siad this would be the last time he woudl call. he told me that he was sorry for evething that he had done, and he hoped that i would forgive him for what he had done. He did it again. This time i was not there to seeit.
HE wants to wash his hands clean. I lied to him on the phone i told him i forgave him. BUt I did not. My heart does not for give him.
When i talked to tayna she could tell just by the way i set the way i looked at her that somthig was wroung.she allwasy knoes when my whells are turning. she is the only one that ever gets what iam thinking and i feel realy shitty